Exterminator Apology

    I want to apologize for calling the exterminator an idiot.  I was having a rough day and it just sort of came out.  So I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

Speaking Out, Moving Out, And Oh Yeah That Pesky Wasp Nest

    I'm really sorry I haven't been keeping up.  I know I keep promising and then keep breaking that promise.  So, I'm not going to promise this time.  Maybe that way I just might start writing every day.  Reverse psychology, worth a shot.  
    So, I read my story in front of church.  It was one of the scariest things I have ever done in my entire life.  But it was also one of the most wonderful and exciting times in my life too!  I had only read through it once and was completely terrified to be in front of all those people but I pulled it off, I actually started crying a little.  It was just an amazing experience!
    That same weekend we discovered that the mysterious scratching sound I was hearing in the living room ceiling was a lovely hive of yellow jackets!  We now have a hole in our ceiling almost a foot long in any directions from where they have chewed their way through.  So far we have had 2 exterminators to visit.  The first one sprayed a little bit of chrysanthemum flower on the outside hole, fat lot of good that did!  The second exterminator was allergic to bees!  What kind of idiot takes a job like that when you have that kind of problem?.
    My youngest sister has finally moved out!  Yay!!  It's so quiet, and clean.  Things are completely drama free!  It's really nice having it be just the three of us.  So, that's my life lately.

Copy Of My Speech

Hey Guys!  So I've been busting my rear end to get this speech done so I could give it at my church.  It's finally done and I read it this last SUNDAY.    So, here it is in all it's glory.  Jason is the pastor at our church.



Hello. My name is Kelda. Jason gave me this chance to share with you my journey back to Jesus.


I used to be an athlete. I swam, and rode horseback. Then during high school I was thrown off a horse and hurt my shoulder. 
It just never healed, in fact the pain continued to grow. 


I was diagnosed with RSD, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, also called CRPS. It is a neurological condition that affects the whole body. It causes ever-increasing nerve damage, so that as nerves die from sending constant pain signals, other nerves are recruited, and they continue to send pain signals to the brain, long after the original injury heals. 


For years I lived with extreme pain, a pain rated higher than childbirth, higher than cancer. 


After many years, many medical procedures, my body somehow re-set itself, and the pain faded. I went to college. I walked miles every day. I worked in retail to earn enough to live out my dream to move to New York City, to see what life was like in a place very different from Humboldt.


The doctors didn’t tell me that I was just in remission, not cured. I had another injury, small, insignificant. It started in my toe, then spread until both legs were affected. 


The pain was so bad it invaded my dreams. I couldn’t sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time, before pain nightmares woke me screaming. RSD was back, worse than before.


For the past 8 years, I’ve been living with it. Even though the pain in my legs has abated somewhat, the RSD has spread to my abdomen and back. Even the simple act of taking a shower is so hard. The water hits me like acid burning through my skin. 


Partly because of medications, partly because I was unable to move, I gained huge amounts of weight. Because of the constant sleep deprivation, and pain meds, I became unable to think clearly. I taught myself to read when I was 3 years old. Now I can barely read half a page at a time. 


My mind, my body, my heart all failed me.


I barely existed for most of the next 8 years. I so angry at everything, so angry at God. How could he love me and let me lose so much - my dreams, my plans, my body? How could he let me suffer such terrible pain, minute after minute, hour after hour, year after year?


I remember days when I was so bitter about my loss that I tore things up that reminded me of my life before. I destroyed  pictures of myself at swim meets, ribbons, old day planners filled with all the things I was able to do before.


I tried to trust God, but every medical procedure failed. The pain never stopped. My family prayed for me, I prayed for me. Nothing happened but more days of pain, more nights of screaming.


I went to a Christian healing session, and was prayed for. 
I wasn’t able to get out of my wheelchair, cured.  


They told me that God was giving me a gift and if I wasn’t healed it was because I refused to open it. I didn’t have enough faith. Why did I cling to my pain?


Then they told me they didn’t want me to come back to be prayed for again because I was affecting others’ faith with my lack of healing.  They couldn’t afford to have me pollute the atmosphere.


For a long time I was an unhappy angry person who felt that God didn’t love me and I was  all alone in this world.  


I was not a pleasant person to be around.  


Then I met Jason. Jason took an interest in me just as I was:  an angry, bitter, sad woman who wasn’t feeling too Christian. 


 It was because of Jason I made my way back to Christ.  


And even though my body kept falling apart on me my soul was coming back together.  


Through our talks and his patient ways I slowly felt the call back to God.  
I could see how God was coming through Jason, showing me that even though I was where I was he still loved me.  


I think for me it is has always been hard connecting with God because I can’t see him in physical form. 
For years, my parents have told me how much they loved me, and how much God loved me, and how he was going to get me through this if I just trusted him.  


I couldn’t hear them as anything more than just words, just noise.  


I knew I wasn’t acceptable, not in society, not in church, not anywhere. I was ugly. I was stupid. I was slow. I didn’t fit. I fought the temptation to kill myself.




Then Jason started coming to visit me, and God shined through him and spoke to me in a way I could hear him.  He accepted me. God loved me, even me, 
even overweight, sickly, loser me.


Finally, I came to know that even though I wasn’t healed physically, even though I may never be healed, I would be taken care of through it all.  


I don’t think I’ve ever felt as close to God as I do now, not in all my years as a Christian.  


Leaning on God’s strength has helped me through things I thought were impossible and his grace has shown through the darkness.  


God’s  strength and light have carried me. I don’t know how I did it without him, all those dark years. 


Now I know that he was with me. He was with me through every second of pain, every lonely moment. 


Even when I ignored him, even when I did nothing but scream at him, even when I couldn’t feel his presence at all, he never left me.


I often get asked: Well how do you even get out of bed in the morning?  I used to say: Just one day at a time.  Don’t look at the big picture - it  too overwhelming. 
Now I say: I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  


Christ has pulled me through so many rough situations.  Sometimes I just say it in my head over and over again.  The strength behind these words keeps me going.  I can do ALL things through Christ.   And through Christ I will continue to live. 
Next spring, I’m heading back to school, to become a medical social worker. It may not be easy, but I know that he will be with me every step of the way. 


I heard in a movie once: you have so many extraordinary gifts it’s no wonder you don’t live an ordinary life.  So maybe that’s what this is, me just living with the extraordinary gift of God’s grace. 
 

A Couple Weeks In Review

    First off I'm so very very sorry for my lapse in between posts. Secondly, I have a lot of catching up to do.  I have been really busy with getting ready for my trip to San Francisco, getting ready to go back to school and now working on a speech for church.
    San Francisco was not the best trip I've had but it was okay.  My dad was in pain and cranky the first day and I was in more pain and cranky the second.  We did have a nice time in between.  We went to the Doctor and he was for once not a complete ass.  He listened,pretty well, and he actually said he was "proud of me" for the weight that I have lost.  Of course he had to wait until it was just himself and the nurse in his office and then have his nurse come out and tell me.  But, there has now been some progress.  I just don't understand what was so hard about telling me himself?  But, a compliment is a compliment.  The rest of the trip was fun.  We went to our favorite record store and traded some old CD's and DVDs for new ones.  Then we checked into a truly bizarre hotel.  The next day we got to eat at IHOP my favorite restaurant.  And on our way home we stopped in and had a visit with my best friend who moved away last month.  All, in all it was a good trip.  They end so fast though.
    I have been trying to get into our local university, get all the information, all my little ducks in a row.  Last week after I got back from my trip I went to the university to get all the information.  Turns out all those years at our local junior college really paid off!  I somehow have enough credits for a BA!!  That is just crazy!  I thought I would maybe have to even take a class or two to get ready to go to the university.  But, oh no!  In fact the advisor was like whoa, slow down, you have exceeded the number of needed units by almost 3 times!!!!  It's nice to know I have achieved something in this lifetime besides years of pain, and patience.  I'm going to try and sign up for the spring 2013 semester.  I'm going to get a master's degree in Social work and go into the field of medical social work.  I have a lot of expertise in this area thanks to all the years with RSD.  It's nice to have a plan going.  I just hope I can get the money.


    Next week I'm going to be sharing my story with my church.  The pastor asked if I would like to and I said yes.  It has been something I've known about for awhile.  I just didn't know the date.  I'm going to share what RSD is and how it has affected my life, how it has affected my spiritual life, and where do I see myself in the future.  It will be fairly short just 3 to 5 minutes.  But, it is going to be really exciting.  I'm so happy I can finally get my chance to do this!  I hate public speaking, hate it!  But, this speaking engagement just seems exciting more than scary.  Hopefully it will stay that way until I'm done speaking of course.  
    So, now you are all caught up again.  I really promise this time to be better at keeping up with blogging.  All the excitement has died down now.  Of course when you say that it starts back up again.  Thank you all who have stuck with me!  Keep coming back!  I will too!

My Crazy Week!

    Tuesday I had an opportunity to go out to lunch and catch up with an old friend of mine.  We went to the deli grabbed some sandwiches and drinks and went out to an overlook over the ocean.  It was so serene.  It was a much needed peaceful out of the time.  We caught up about all the usuals: boyfriends, jobs, 4th of July plans, memories.  It was a really lovely visit.   I met her while I was working at the department store job right before I became disabled.  She is my only friend from work I still talk to and my only friend from before becoming disabled.  It's so nice to have a friend who stuck around this long.
    Wednesday was the 4th of July and what I thought was going to be a nice quiet day at home, maybe catch up on my blog turned out to be anything but.  I was just hanging out, doing my walking going through my day and my dad says to me he's taking a half hour nap and then we have a barbecue to go to.  I was stunned, no one said anything to me.  But apparently my dad's friend throwing the barbecue didn't have many guests so we went to increase the guest list by a couple people.  It was fun and just gorgeous weather.  I actually knew a couple people there ( there were only half a dozen total ) so I wasn't bored.  Then we got home and I was just relaxing when I hear about another 4th party we're going to after dark this time!  So we ate dinner and went over.  The people whose house we went to are good friends I enjoy hanging out, watching movies and taking blogs with the wife when I can.  So we get over there and it's all a pyrotechnics dream come true!  There are fireworks all over the place.  My dad did his usual fantastic little ground flower show.  He likes to make a couple circles made up of the ground blooms pour gun powder over it make a gun powder trail long enough to light it and then ACTION!  Crazy little balls of color skittering all across the road.  
    Friday we had a good friend come over to cut every one's hair except mine because I already have a hair stylist.  So we of course had to get the entire house picked up for this because that's just the kind of house I live in.  Messy within 2 seconds of cleaning.  It was a nice visit with her as she cut every one's hair.
    Then Saturday rolls around and I find out I have a wedding to go to!  So thankfully I have something to wear and I had a shower the day before.  I get there and I know nobody, It was a lovely ceremony and the venue was beautiful.  It was a nice time all in all but in the beginning of the reception I had a hard time handing my emotions.  I was having a panic attack and just all over the place emotions wise.  But it got better and turned out to be kind of fun.
    That was my crazy week!  I hope it slows down a bit so I can focus on my walking more and getting ready for my trip to the Dr in San Francisco.  Talk soon.

Weighty Matters

    So, here I am in July only a couple weeks away from my Dr visit and I have to say things are going ok.  I have lost SOME weight not as much as I wanted, but that's all in good time.  I have lost enough that I can fit into some newly discovered jeans that I haven't been able to wear in a long time.  I also finally got a pair of Crocs from Amazon that actually fit!  Had to send 1 pair back and my pair that I have fits me sometimes depending on how swollen my feet are.  And I also got a few new shirts since my washing machine ate a bunch of mine.  It was so nice when I was ordering them to see that I was a 3x, when I was convinced that I would be at least a 5x.  I ended up getting a 5x just for wiggle room but it was so nice to be on the smaller end of the spectrum for once!  I'm hoping that I can impress him with all the progress I've made.  The last time I saw him I had begun a diet, but not the exercise program.  The walking that I started doing about 2 months after after I last saw him was due in part to the inconsiderate, cynical, unkind words that he spoke to me.  I wish that that after almost a year of exercise and eating right I would look better but it took 8 years to get like this so it's going to take a long time to make a dent.  It's so hard to just walk into that appointment, or anywhere for that matter, and say this is how I am take me or leave me.  But I'm just too wrapped up in my own self loathing to tell anyone anything.
    I'd like to say my self esteem was fantastic before all this happened because my body was in awesome shape and I was younger.  But the truth is I have always hated myself.  It's more internal than the world's media problem.  I do feel that they had a part, but mostly it's just me hating myself.  I hope that with age comes the wisdom and love that have yet alluded me.  That I can be as comfortable within my own skin as my mother, who feels that getting older is cooler, not a death sentence, and that beauty is there inside you all along.

To Dream An Impossible Dream

    So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life and how I'm living it and why my emotions are all over the place about my sister and her her life.  I look back to 8 years ago when I was on the "right track" of life I was working, going to school had a great social life, even had plans to move to NYC when I was done with school.  I was in great physical shape and filled with resolve to keep it that way.  Then I went to that fateful Dr appointment and everything changed.
   For a long time all I could see was how much I have lost and how much I hate that I have lost it and how perfect my sister's life is.  But I think that maybe why I think some of these things is even though I am 35 years old I still live at home and even though we have made great strides with this arrangement at the end of the day I'm their kid still living in their house.  I look at the same 4 walls every night when I go to sleep that I have looked at since I was 7 years old.  I take a shower in the same bathroom, I look out at the same back yard, and when traffic is low enough I can hear the sounds of the kids playing at the school I went to from kindergarten through 8th grade.  My heart is ready for a new adventure, oh is it ready, but the body sadly the body is not.  
    When my sister moved out it was a kick in the gut.  I was supposed to be doing this, I'm the oldest it's just the way things are done.  But, I was unable.  So, I watched as my sister embarked on what I call the perfect "American" life.  Moved out of the house by a reasonable age ( about 24 ), find your dream job and be good at it, find a guy, move in with him, move away with him out of the area, get engaged, get married by age 28, and a couple years later have a baby!  This is everything that is drilled into our heads at an early age and it's what I have wanted for longer than I can remember. It's hard being around my sister sometimes.  I feel like the baby sister just waiting to know what "real life" is like, what it's like to be married.  I fear that I put my sister up on a pedestal as something unattainable but very much wanted.  I want a real relationship with her.  
    I hope that I can somehow fix these issues.  I think finally figuring out some of these emotions is a start.

CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY DAY!!!!

    Sorry I didn't get a chance to post these past few days but we had a large oven fire that created all sorts of madness!  Tried to bake some biscuits but the oven was dirty from butter grease from the garlic bread we had when my sister and her husband came for dinner.  And boom opened the oven door and flames are coming out!!  On a total side note I never eat this much bread usually.  So it's just my sister and me at home, she grabs the nearest fire extinguisher which is good because I would have used water ( i also recently learned that water is the WORST thing you could use on a grease fire ) and goes to town on putting the fire out.  The smoke was so thick you could barely see anything, all you could smell was smoke, it was awful.  So we got the dogs outside and worked on clearing out the smoke.  We finally got everything under control but that's when the real work began.
    Apparently fire extinguishers contents are highly corrosive.  So, we ( meaning unfortunately my disabled dad had to take EVERY SINGLE item out of ALL the cupboards clean them and before putting them away must clean out every inch of every cupboard!  It has been a veeeery long few days and I'm not the one even doing all the cleaning.
    About the same time my mom, who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, has suffered a relapse.  Which means she is very weak and very tired and cannot handle much outside stimulation.  So, Whenever my dad is busy I have been trying to take care of her the best I can.  Making sure she eats and stays hydrated.  
   With all this extra work my dad's knee is killing him.  I don't know if I will even make it to San Francisco.  I need to figure out what's wrong with my pump and why it's hurting more lately.   So, like I said crazy, crazy, crazy week!!  I hoped things mellow out soon.  

Sister

    One more post today.  I wanted to make sure that I put this out there for the world to see.  I think that this visit was probably the best I have had with my sister in a long time.  I finally accepted her for who she is not the version I had in my head from what our relationship was like when we were younger.  And I had to let go of the old memories that we had a perfect relationship all those years.  Once I did that we had a wonderful visit!  I think it's finally heading somewhere instead of being in a hold pattern.  So, that was all.  Just wanted to say how nice my visit was with my sister.

Long Time No See And A Lot Of News

    I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to post these last couple days but my sister and her husband were visiting and we tried to spend as many waking hours as we could with them.  We also went to my mom's friend/room mate from college's retirement party.  It was a lot of parties and I'm so glad to be able to just relax and just breathe.  
    We had my sister's baby shower on Friday.  My other sister, myself and my dad all met with my sister and her husband for coffee in the morning to go over what to bring.  When we get there they already have potato salad and my sister looks miserable.  Nobody showed up except for family and everybody wasn't in the best of moods.  The next day we found out that no one had even gotten them a gift!  Poor kids.  
    Then we have my mom's friend's party.  It's out in the middle of nowhere and obviously it's all people that my parents know.  It would be boring, or so I thought. Within only 5, count that 5 minutes, of getting there I had tried to sit in an old lawn chair which my dad assured me my butt would fir into only to have break underneath me!  Yes, I fell on my ass in front of probably 20 people!  The worst part is is that I cannot get up once I'm down on the ground.  So I had to have a bunch of people help me.  It was so mortifying! I got up and went back to the car.  My mom came to check on me, her friend came to check on me, but I was convinced that I was going to stay in the car until we left.  Long story short I went back in eventually.  I'm glad I did because I get a chance to reconnect with my favorite high school teacher.  Turns out she has been neighbors with my mom's friend for years.  It was really nice to get a chance to tell her how much she meant to me.  So, while I started the party, literally, with a bang it ended quite well.  I am however quite sore and stiff.  
    So, now that the fun has ended it's back to getting ready and fit for my Dr appointment in San Francisco next month!  And yes, I promise to write more frequently.  

It's A Sad Day

    Sorry it's been awhile since I last posted.  Things have been a bit crazy here trying to get the house spic and span for my sister and her husbands visit.  My mom decided that we should finish getting the bathroom redecorated 4 days before before they show up.  So we have got almost all the painting done.  The house is pretty clean, not as good as it could have been since all the bathroom stuff is everywhere while we finish painting.
   And because of the cleaning I'm not getting my walking in.  I'm either cleaning or I'm too damn tired to walk after all the cleaning I did.  It is so very frustrating!!  I'm supposed to be walking every day to lose weight before my appointment next month.  But I'm failing at it and it is making me so depressed and discouraged and angry!  I feel fatter every day and I hate it so much!
    Then my sister comes.  I walk in because I was gone when she first arrived and her husband greeted me, had to tell her to say hello to me.  She didn't have anything to say to me.  I don't begrudge her for it because she was worried about the baby because she couldn't hear the baby's heart beat with my other sister's stethoscope.  But, I could tell that there really was no connection between us.  I had more of a warm caring feeling from her husband like he was glad to see me.  I always thought we were super close through out our childhood and adulthood.  But, my mom pointed out that no we weren't as close as I thought we were.  I was hoping my mom was wrong, but I think she was right.  I am very Norwegian.  I don't like a lot of physical contact, I'm always fine.  But I have always been yearning for a bond with my sister that's incredibly close.  I thought I had that.  I guess not.  It just makes me so sad because I just want to hug her and talk to her but she doesn't want that.  Now that she is here it makes it really hard.
    My dog is at the groomers today.  I know it's pathetic even my own dad told me but I count down the hours until I can see him again.  I miss having him follow me everywhere I go like my little shadow.  I miss him.

I'm Walking!

    I know I haven't posted in a few days but that's because I've been busy with some fun things and some not so fun things.  I always think it should be good news first.  I haven't walked outside of my house in 8 years!  Saturday I made my first attempt and walked to the mailbox.  Sunday I walked even farther when I walked to the corner and not only did I attempt it once but twice!  I even got walking sticks to mark my fantastic accomplishment.
    But we also had to put down our dog too.  And before that was a weekend filled with extra extra special care.  Helping him stand up, helping him get to the yard, getting him water and food any time he needs it.  It was done in love but it was really exhausting.
    So, Today I didn't manage to make it to three times to the corner but I will.  It was a hard day today.  But, I'm looking forward to expanding my walks to greater and greater distances.  It's a whole new experience from all those walks I took 8 years ago.

Strawberries And Dog Food

    Today has been a nice day.  I walked  outside to potty my dog and saw that my strawberries were ripe and that they were in pristine condition.  So I got to have some fresh strawberries with my oatmeal today.  I got my new movies from Netflix.  Who doesn't love seeing Tom Cruise running around trying to play an innocent forest boy in love with the princess in Legend?  I got to be alert enough to work on some knitting for my sisters baby present.  That is such a rarity these days.  I also increased my walking by one loop every other hour.  I got to laugh with my family which also has been a rare thing around the house lately.  We laughed because we tried feeding one dog a certain brand of wet dog food and he wouldn't touch it, then we tried my dog and he didn't touch it and so on through out all 4 dogs!  None of them would touch that crummy stuff!  
    Some days can boost you up, give you confidence and make you forget all your troubles.  Today was that day for me.  Since I'm on such a high at the moment I'm going to say that I hope it will continue on into tomorrow.  

Can't I Do Something Right?

    Today I feel like I'm trying so hard and every time my ventures come out as inadequate or inconsequential.  I hurt my mom's feelings when I talked to her about taking care of her dog and how I just want to do more for him.  I was trying to be sympathetic, instead I came across as someone telling my mom how bad her dog looks and oh he's so sick and he shouldn't still be alive if he's feeling this way.  Amazing how easily I fumbled that up.
    I'm also feeling like I've let you guys out there down.  I haven't been writing every day and it just eats away at me every day I don't get to write.  I write for me yes, but mostly I write for you.  I write to let people know ALL of those feelings you are feeling are okay.  When I can't write I feel like your voices aren't being heard.  I'm not trying to sound conceited I really am not.  I just want you all to know how special you all are.
    Lastly, I'm already losing momentum on my walking.  Not even a week and I feel like giving up.  Our scale is a bit temperamental and even though my mom says it's perfectly normal for the scale to bounce all over the place numbers wise I'm just having a hard time believing her.  So I'm just going to keep up with my walking and not get on the scale for awhile.
    Hopefully tomorrow I will be in a better mood and will have something incredibly profound to say.

Day In/Day Out

    As I put my dog outside to go potty this morning I thought about how long I've been doing this and how many times I've gazed at our backyard.   No matter however many years go by, no matter how much outside life changes I'm still stuck in the same 4 unending unchanging 4 walls of my childhood home.  I keep doing the same things day in and day out.  I think about 8 years ago.  Would I have had the guts and street smarts to make it in a place on my own.  My sister did twice! I just get so sick and tired of seeing and hearing the same things since I was in grade school.   The laughter of kids playing over the wind from the k-8 school I went to a few blocks away, or the same view of the mountains past our neighbors roof line.  I just long for some new scenery and experiences.  I'm not saying I don't appreciate what I have because I do.  I know how lucky I am to have a home, with family who help take care of me.  But, sometimes..... I wish I had been given the opportunity to have taken a different path.

   As far as the weight loss goes I have lost another 2 pounds!  It won't always be this fast in dropping as time goes on, but for now I'm just riding the excitement wave!

    

Goals And Sabotage

    So, once again I have failed you guys.  I'm so very sorry for my lapse in posts.  I'm just in a LOT of pain right now and trying to exercise on top of that is just wiping me out.  But, I will try and post every day again.
    I weighed myself today and I have lost another 2 pounds!  Exciting and yet worrisome.  I worry because if I'm losing so much so early that I might start to get too cocky and then sabotage myself somehow.  But, I think my discipline is strong enough to withstand any temptations, no matter what they may be.  
  So, another 2 pounds down, and only a gazillion more to go.  I know that I CAn make it.  In fact I'm shooting for losing enough weight to go down an entire pants side!

Weight Loss Is A Gain!!!

    So day two of my get fit to impress the Dr and to be honest to make me not hate myself so much.  I had started walking a couple days ago before I posted about it here.  Today I went back on the scale. And in just 2 short days I have already lost 2 pounds!!!!  It is amazing what sheer hate can do.  Hate for the Dr and his nasty comments.  Hate of my fat, ugly body.  It has given me the drive to kick start myself back into the walking with a vengeance.  I have also cut back even more on my diet.  I no longer eat anything for lunch except for cottage cheese and fruit.  No more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, no more meat and cheese quesadillas, just the good stuff.  No more yogurt and cottage cheese for breakfast just cottage cheese and plain oatmeal sweetened with agave nectar.  And lots and lots and lots of water! My stomach sloshes around from all the water it's like having my own personal well in my stomach.
    But, with this awesome incentive I shall keep plugging along.  I think I will definitely look like I have lost some weight by the time I see the Dr in 46 days.

Walk A Mile In My Shoes

   I do apologize again for not keeping up this blog daily.  I'm just feeling so poorly after those Dr appointments.  But I haven't forgotten you guys.
    So I'm finally going back to see my pain Dr in the big city.  He runs the show like the wizard in Emerald City in the wizard of Oz.  He's the man behind the curtain, he tells my Dr up here what to do and then loves to tell me everything I'm doing wrong whether I'm doing it or not.  He's one of those old school Dr's who has the mind belief that woman are supposed to listen to the man and keep quiet.  Plus he loves to make fun of my weight EVERY chance he gets!  I am 5'10" and before this started I was 190 pounds.  I was 170 pounds when I was on swim team in high school for crying out loud!  I wasn't fat.  But he says "Oh so you have always been a heavy girl."  Uh no.  I only became heavy when I lost the ability to walk and even then it wasn't because I was stuffing my face with Twinkies!  I eat far less than I did before, it was the medication mostly and the inability to move.  Plus I decided that I wasn't going to deprive myself from the foods I love because I was disabled.  I was deprived enough.  That doesn't mean that I was stuffing myself with junk food either.  So, it's going to be a hard visit with him.  I always love it when he criticizes my weight, like I don't feel disgusted with myself as it is.
    I started a home exercise home program where I walk around the house every hour for so many laps.  I started it because I just couldn't stand the way I looked anymore.  Well, circumstances happened and I stopped for awhile.  Now I know we are going to be going down for a visit in 47 days.  So I have to bust my ass and get moving!  I have to cut out as much bad food out that I can.  I have to drink more water.  Because I don't know if exercise will be enough.  And I really want to show that smug little bastard that I am doing the best I can for my body right now.  And if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't look like this.
    So, here I go 47 days til the finish line.  I'll post my progress and we shall see where I am in 47 days!  This is kind of nerve wracking, and exhilarating and at the same time!

Memories.....

    I'm sorry I've been incognito lately.  I just had my pain pump filled ( which is hard enough in itself ) but the very next day I got to go to the dentist and get two teeth drilled on.  While getting cavities taken care of for most people is no big deal it is a huge deal for me.  When I was a kid and got cavities taken care of it wasn't a problem.  But after the RSD everything just becomes magnified.  So, I'm really sorry for not writing these past couple days.  I was pretty knocked out from the pain.
    I learned that yet another fast food restaurant place had closed in our area and it made me sad.  Sad because I remembered all the memories I had from this place, memories I had made before I got RSD.  Going for a salad with a good friend after our long walks and driving lessons, grabbing a late night snack with my sister after a late night movie we went to.  And it isn't just this restaurant it's other restaurants that have closed.  Probably the hardest one that closed was the store I worked at right before I got RSD.  It was a beautiful department store and everyone loved me there.  It was so hard to know I will never see the people working there again or the beautiful stained glass domed lights above the store.  I also had to say good bye to my grandparents house this month.  All those memories of Thanksgiving dinners, decorating Christmas trees and making Christmas cookies is now just a memory.
    I know they are just places and time moves on and they do change.  It's hard to let them go when so much has already been lost.  I lost: my ability to walk, to wear shooooes ( what we call fancy shoes ), my good figure, 8 years of my life, and most important my health.  So, when I see things disappear that had a connection to my life from before RSD it makes me feel I guess a little more forgotten.  I know it makes no logical sense at all.  I just feel as the years go by that I'm just standing still and everything and everyone are moving at warp speed all around me.  Having these places where I had memories was a way to say I'm still here and I was a part of your lives.
    These feelings of being forgotten are so hard to fight.  Sometimes I think they are harder to fight than the RSD.  I would rather deal with the physical than the emotional any day.  Physical is easy.  Emotional stuff is hard to deal with.  Especially feelings of self loathing and abandonment.  But as I work through the physical I will work through the emotional too.

Moving Out? Moving Up?

   First I apologize for my not writing every day I am really sick with a bad head cold and things are a bit intense at home.  I also know my posts haven't been exactly been about living with RSD and I'm sorry that I ignored that part of my life in those posts.  I will try and be more balanced in my posts.
    So, this week my friend moved into her new house in a town about 3 hours away.  About 2 weeks before we went online and bought a bunch of rubber ducky items to decorate her bathroom with.  And as it started coming in and the date drew nearer I started thinking back to when I first got RSD.  I had made these plans to get a quick degree ( dental assistant ) and move to New York City.  But, would I have?  For all the talk that I was spouting back then I really wasn't that mature.  I was still very much a kid.  I don't think I was ready.
    And then RSD showed up and knocked those dreams out of my head.  About a year after I became disabled my middle sister moved out.  She was such a shy girl, she wouldn't even call in her medications on an automated machine.  But, she moved out.  There were a whole bunch of thoughts going through my head.  I'm sad to say that the first one wasn't I'm so happy and proud of you for taking such a big step.  They were thoughts of: jealousy that she got to take this big step first, that I was the big sister I was supposed to do everything first, and then feelings of total inadequacy.  I was happy for her.  I am happy for her still.
    I look at my friend and my sister who are both younger than me and I just wonder do I have what it takes to strike out on my own?  Or will I always be this timid individual with massive feelings of inadequacy?  I hope that one day I find out if I have what it takes.  But what I really hope is that I get to make it to New York City.

My Saga Of Pain

    I got RSD in my left foot after I had an ingrown infected toenail removed for the 5th time.    It was supposed to go smoothly just like all the other times.  But, this time they used some kind of poison to kill the root of the nail.  So the poison added to the fact that I had had RSD in my shoulder for 10 years kicked back up the dormant RSD still lying in wait.  They didn't give me proper pain control because they just tried to give me vicoden and that doesn't wok on me.  So, they kept trying different medications and more medications.  Then they moved onto different injections.

   They tried nerve blocks ( which made the RSD spread like wildfire until it was my entire left leg from my toes to my hip ), epidural blocks, ketamine infusions, and steroid blocks.  None of these worked, most made the pain worse.  

   Then I tried other methods besides drugs.  I tried a device called a TENS unit which you put little pads over the area where you need relief and attach the wire to a device and it will provide electrical stimulation.  For me there was no relief.  It only made my pain worse.  I tried a Spinal Cord Stimulator twice.  Both times it was excruciating and both times it didn't help and once again aggravated the pain even more.

    Which lead to me my last hope a device called a pain pump.  It's much like an insulin pump except it's all internal.  I wasn't interested in having a foreign object in my body at all.  The thought was just too creepy feeling.  But after hearing there was absolutely nothing left in the Dr's bag of tricks I agreed to the trial.  

  So, after a two and a half week trial ( they said it would only be a week ) I was wheeled down to the operating room to have some weird metal type round pump put in.  But of course this was another surgery.  Not so after the surgery I noticed my pain wasn't decreasing but increasing.  Turns out that the operation to put in something that was to help with the pain has now caused more pain.  Every time my abdomen is touched it's like being stabbed with burning hot pokers, or having a bunch or fire ants nibbling away at my skin, and that's just when it's being touched.

     About every month and a half I have to get my pump refilled.  It's pure agonizing hell!  The Dr has to find the little rubber hole called the port.  He then injects a REALLY long needle into the port and then takes out whatever little bit of medicine I have left and then refills it.  I have almost passed out from this procedure many many times.  It's awful enough in itself but the pain stays flared up for weeks after.  

   I get to have my pump refilled this wednesday and now on top of the expected pain I know is coming I have a horrendous cold.  My nose is so plugged up I can only breathe through my mouth.  I'm as sick as a dog.   This will be an interesting pump refill.

    

Norwegian Grief

    First off I am sorry I didn't get a chance to post yesterday but yesterday was a really rough day.  My dad has been sick so I've been trying to help out more, keeping my sister in line since my mom is in the middle of a relapse, and we found out that my mom's dog who was sick isn't just sick but riddled with tumors in his heart his lungs and only has about a month left to live.  It was a very stressful day.
    My dad has always been the very stoic Norwegian type.  Doesn't like to have people get in his personal space, is always fine ( even if he's got blood spurting out from a massive head trauma ), very hard headed, and he doesn't cry.  I have seen him cry only a few times in is entire life and most of those were when an animal has passed away in our family.  But, yesterday yesterday was something I had never seen before.  He apparently was crying so hard the vet had to call the dog's breeder ( who has been very involved in his life ).  It really shook me.
    It shook me because here was this strong man showing such emotion and I couldn't even cry!  Everyone always says how much my dad and I are alike.  I'm daddy's girl all the way. I never cry at movies, and I hate people touching me.  But, I felt like the worlds coldest bitch when I was the only one in my family who didn't cry.  So last night I was dreaming my usual pain nightmares ( I don't get much deep sleep and when I do I have pain dreams where I am somehow being tortured or run over something to make the pain seep through into my dream ) and I started dreaming about my mom's dog being ripped away from us.  I didn't even realize I was crying until I woke myself up from nose being so plugged up I had been crying so hard.  It was as if my dream gave me the release I needed to.
    Sorry things have been such a downer lately in my posts.  Promise it will cheer up soon.  Thank you all so much for sticking with me!

Dogs Are Everyone's Best Friends!

  Ever since I was about 3 years old we have had a dog.  First it was just the family dog, then everyone started getting their own dog.  I had one other dog before I got Riley, her name was Tasha.  She was such a comfort during those awkward teen years.  Then after she passed I swore I was done with dogs.  I couldn't take the pain that comes every time you loose one.  But, I got RSD and suddenly I'm trying to fit my mom's 55 pound standard poodle in my lap!  So, I convinced myself through much deliberation that getting a lap dog during this time would be very beneficial.  that's how I met Riley, my rock and my little champion.
  Riley was about 2 years old when I got him.  He was a show dog who had reached the end of his show days.  His owner was a woman who lived alone and had taught him to be aggressive, especially towards men.  My dad had business up close to where she lived so he got to meet Riley first.  Riley just walked right up to him and put his front paws on my dads legs.  It is because of this that we always say that somehow Riley knew he was supposed to come home with us.  From the moment that Riley and I met we have been inseparable.  Every time I get home whether it has been 20 minutes or 2 days he acts as if I had been gone for a year.  Every time he has to go to the groomers I sit and pace all day until he comes home.  I couldn't have asked for a better companion to help me through all this.
   My mom who has Chronic Fatigue has a dog of her own.  He was taught for a brief period to be a service dog for her.  Which means he can get things for her or she can use him to brace herself when she gets up.  He is a big clown and sometimes forgets how big he really is.  He's bigger than most standard poodles.  But, you never really think about anything happening to them before it's their time.  Well for some reason my mom's dog is suddenly very sick.  The vets can't figure out what's wrong with him.  It's a very scary and trying time for my mom.  Especially after just losing her dad.
   Dogs are such an important part of my family's life.  It's just hard to remember that with all the good memories and good times comes with that sad good bye.  But, somehow we always find a way to open our hearts again.

Just One Of Those Days

  Today is just one of those days where nothing is going right, people are in super "touchy" moods and anything that could go wrong probably will.  It didn't start out so bad.  Woke up like usual, way earlier than the rest of the family at about 6 am.  Watched some TV on the computer, had some breakfast enjoyed the blissful and yet oh so seldom moments of silence.
Then my youngest sister wakes up and she's off to volunteer at a program for senior citizens.  Not so awful, except she is quite an intense person by nature so she tends to kick my nerves into high gear.  So as I was feeding all the dogs I noticed that my mom's dog couldn't move and when he did finally make it into his kennel it was as if his whole back end had been paralyzed.
   So, now there is something wrong with the dog and it isn't even 9 am yet.  Dad drops Youngest sis off comes back we keep an eye on the pooch.  I try to get some laundry ready to get checked for stains before I put in for washing.  Can I find the things I really need washed?  Of course not!  But I'm sure you knew that was going to be my answer.
  My mom wakes up and asks me whats wrong with her dog.  She has a hard time dealing with intensity when she first gets up, like I do.  So I try to think of a way to downplay the situation.  Can't come up with any so I tell her the truth.  But, this is too much for her after not getting enough sleep and so I have upset her now.    Now I am in the dog house for saying too much when she first woke up.  I was waiting for her to wake up to do laundry because she had my lingerie bags in her room.  Now, I can't even go in her room.  So no laundry today!  And I really needed it too.
   Having a day like today reminds me of that kids book: Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst.  It's just one of those special books from childhood that has stuck with me.  I suggest to anyone who hasn't read it to read it.  We all have an Alexander day from time to time.

Trying To Find Myself In Me

   I never had the greatest love for my body.  I always felt it was too fat even when it wasn't.  It probably started in high school that I realized how much my body didn't look like a stick figure and I hated it.  I wasn't fat, I was on the swim team!  It was all muscle, but it just didn't matter.  Before this happened I was in amazing shape.  I walked all over NYC, through Central Park, along Wall St, up and down alongside those famous locations.  But, still I felt I was fat and ugly.  Which I wasn't.  I always look back and think to myself "What the hell were you thinking?"

   Sometimes when I'm alone in deep thought I ask myself one question "Who are you?"  I mean really who am I in this vast universe? It always psychs me out.  I suddenly feel utterly alone and very insignificant.  It's such a weird question.  But, you can get a always get a deep answer back.  It's also another way for me to ask the universe why the hell I was created.  

   I truly wish I didn't hate myself the way I do.  The vehement passion is of my loathing is indescribable.  I hope to be able to find some love for myself, regardless of whether or not I still have RSD or that I'm heavy.  That's my goal anyways.  

Good Byes Just Suck

  I started looking back at how many good byes I've had to say over these past 8 years.  Some were just see ya laters that never were seen again.  Some were just ambivalent good byes as we drifted apart.  Some were tearful good byes as they left to move away.  But the worst good byes are the ones where you know you will never see them again.  The times you have to say good bye to someone who's dying.
   I have had to say good bye to many friends since I became disabled.  Most of them were either; the see ya laters or the drifting aparts.  Those were hard because I never knew if I had done something to ruin our friendship, or was it just that my disability made them uncomfortable.  I had 1 friend who just stopped coming over, stopped calling, she would respond to my texts until I mentioned getting together.  Then dead silence.  I still wish to know what it was that I did that drove her away.  There was one family who lived behind us and we loved them as if they were a part of our family.  We had a gate and path between our 2 houses.  But, the job situation drove them out of the area.  That was my first hard good bye.  When my sister moved was my second.  She was/is my best friend and the not seeing her every day is very hard.
  My first exposure to real loss was my grandmother.  She was an amazing woman of such strength and integrity.  She was a woman stuck in a loveless marriage with a man who treated her like a slave but she had such an amazing heart regardless. Because of my grandfather's unpleasant demeanor I was never able to spend much time with my grandmother growing up.  But, when she got cancer, I got RSD.  We had a chance to really bond and connect.  I wouldn't trade that time for anything.  The loss when she died was amazing.  I had a hole in my heart so big.  I could only think what will it be like when my parents go?  What is it like for them?
  Well, now my mother has lost her father today.  After a long battle with Alzheimer's he passed away tonight.  He and I never had much of a relationship seeing as how we have always lived a long ways away from each other.  But, once again I'm reminded of the fragility of life.  And of how quickly a see ya later can become a permanent good bye.  I give much sympathy to all those who have had to say good bye to someone they loved.

Mothers

  Since it is Mothers Day today I thought I would talk about my mom and our relationship.  I am the first of three daughters.  She fought long and hard to get the three of us.  She was blessed when she had me but my middle sister was a miracle. She suffered several miscarriages before we came around.  My youngest sister was adopted.
  My mom always taught us to be open with our feelings and that we could ask any questions.  It made for some interesting fights.  Never go to bed angry.  Even if you go to bed at 2:00 A.M..   She is the "counselor" of the family holding everyone together.  She's got an amazingly generous heart always looking for ways to help others.
  My mom and I have always been very close.  When I was sick with migraines in high school that's when we really bonded. My mom also suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She and I commiserated together over pain by watching lots of Quantum Leaps and Macgyvers.  Later on through my adult years our relationship has grown into a friendship of love and respect.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS!

Love

  I have found that love is truly the most powerful thing on this planet.  I was so full of hate for so long.  It sometimes feels like it is more work to be happy, and I lived on this theory for quite awhile.  But it isn't true.  Love opens your eyes, whereas hate just keeps them closed to everything around you.
  I have always been a helpful person.  Since I was about 9 years old I helped take care of my siblings and take care of the house.  Soon it became second nature for me to become a second parent, or to clean the house whenever I got mad.  I painted the entire exterior of our house with a single hand held paintbrush.  Helping is something that's just become second nature to me.
  Becoming disabled I was no longer able to help.  I had to ask for help.  My love of helping slowly turned to resentment which turned to hate.  I hated not being able to do work around the house.  As my parents health got worse I hated not being able to help them.  Why should they have to help me?  They were the ones who needed help.  It took some time to realize that there were ways I could show my support and love.
  I couldn't do the amount or the types of work I used to do anymore.  It was a tough battle to let go of that anger and hate and come to a new realization.  My eyes were opened when I became open to God again.  I found that I still had love left. I found a way to still be helpful.  I could help people in a new way.  I found new ways to work, ways that I could still feel useful and that I was being supportive of my poor parents.
  Love of my family, love of service has given me purpose.  Love has saved me from myself.

Change

   The definition of change is:  to alter, modify, redesign, make or become different, according to the Mac dictionary.  Yet for me the word change feels confrontational and even hostile.  What I hear is "You aren't good enough.  or "I'm not proud of you." I'm sure what people mean are things like: "Here are some ways to help you achieve your goals."
  Change is a hard obstacle to overcome and even harder when you feel that you are alone in it all.  Right now I have to change a couple things.  The big one is I have to stop hating myself.  I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to accomplish that but I am trying.  I also have to try and get serious about weight loss again.  I'm already exercising and eating well, and have lost 50 plus pounds.  But, I need to try and be more aggressive about it.  Maybe wait on that one until after that lovely monthly visit is over. ;-).  
  Looking back at these 8 years I realized I have made many changes.  Some good, some not good.  Some good changes: I'm not as immature as I was at the beginning.  I'm not an angry ball of rage and disappointment anymore.  Some not so good changes:  My body loathing really went up after I gained all the extra weight from not being able to move.  I don't trust people like I used to.
  I guess I look at change as criticism.  Like you are okay but really you could be better.  Maybe, before I try to work on believing that change is just change I should learn to trust first.  Because without the trust everything looks like a giant criticism.

Self-Esteem

   I can't say for certain that I ever had great self-esteem.  What girl can these days?  Society's places so many pressures on women.  That there is only one way to look beautiful, which is impossible for most of the general populace to ever achieve.  That there is only one road after high school which is the norm: college, marriage, family.  These are standards that are drilled into us from a very early age.  When I was growing up I would look at our JcPenny catalogue with my sister.  We would decide what out wedding dress would be, what our honeymoon wardrobe would be, and then we got down to business and started decorating our nurseries.  We were having fun as kids but even as a kid I knew that all I wanted was to be a mom.  I'm not saying that society is pushing motherhood on us.  I'm saying that if you look closely at advertising you will always see the "perfect" family.
   I was watching an episode of Glee and it talked about domestic violence.  The character who was abused said why she didn't leave was she was worried there was going to be no one else to love her.  I'm sad to say that this really hit home for me.  I have lost my physical attractiveness which has been hard, I'm not vain I just miss having a body that worked.  I hate running into classmates and doing the "what have you been up to" question.  I always feel so inferior.  As far as relationships goes I haven't had any.  Been disabled my entire adult life.  I don't know if I will ever find someone.  Hard to do it when you are stuck at home.
  The question is how much of my sad self-esteem issues are of my own making and how much has society influenced me?  Does it matter?  Internal or external pressure it's still pressure and it still is hard.
I know this has been a bit of a depressing post so I'll leave you with this.  I'm not depressed by nature.  Maybe I come across this way sometimes.  If I do it's only because I'm voicing my inner frustrations.

Shopping At Target

  Yesterday, I got to go to Target with my friend.  We had coffee first at the Starbucks that was located in the Target and both had these amazingly good but totally bad for you frappuccinos. Perfect to cool a person down from the unusually warm weather we've been having lately.  So after coffee we went shopping.
  I got some curtain tie backs, new water bottle, itunes cards, toy for my dog ( I almost always buy a small something for my dog when I go out - yes I know how spoiled he is, and so does he :-)), and a couple candles.  I love candles.  It's not the fire aspect as it's the smell.  I love smelling candles.  We spent probably two and a half hours there.  I could have gone longer.  I love going to Target.  They have so many interesting things to look at it, makes me just want to redecorate my room over and over again, or redecorate our house.  They always have an amazing selection of clearance items, if you know where to look.  I honestly don't know what we did before we had Target.

Visit From Sis!

   So, I found out yesterday that my pregnant sister was given a-OK by her midwife to come up for a visit next month!!  I'm so excited!  The last time I saw her was about a year and a half ago.  She and I were very close growing up.  We were each others best friends.  We did everything together.  So when she and her then boyfriend, now husband, moved 9 hours away it was really hard.  But, we keep in touch.  Although she is far busier than I am, going to school and working and being pregnant!  

  But, I get to see her next month!  Guess I should really get going on all those baby clothes and blankets I promised I would knit for her.  ;-)  Time to plan an impromptu baby shower too! Boy that's a lot to do now that I actually wrote it all down!  So, off to knit.

Beauty In The Rough

  You can look at life 2 ways - glass half full or glass half empty.  For the first few years all I could see was the glass half empty.  Didn't matter how wonderful anything was around me it was always awful.  I couldn't even enjoy Christmas.
  It took a long time for me to notice how beautiful the world still is.  There are fabulous people and amazing new ways to look at things.  Yes, I am still in the same amount of pain that I was in the day before but today I can appreciate being alive.  It was a hard road to get there, I'm not saying it happened overnight.  But, the end result is I'm happier, and easier to be around if you ask my family.
  Which brings me to today.  I have more pain in my body than usual.  My usual RSD pain which is in my abdomen and leg are flared up, I have a bad migraine, my neck is killing me from the bad angle I slept in last night and I have TMJ pain! But today the sun is shining, the temperature is just perfect,it's a fabulous day!  I just got the dragon I have been trying for for MONTHS on a game called Dragon Vale!  Simple but beautiful joys!  I'm looking for a fabulous going away present for my friend.  It's a good day.  And since we get so few absolutely perfect days like today here where I live I'm going to go outside and enjoy it!

Life Plans

  Yesterday, I got to go to my friends graduation.  I've only known her for almost 2 years now and I yet I feel like I've known her forever.  We share so many things in common.  Shortly after she moved here she broke her femur.  While she took a little time off to heal she went back to school sooner than I thought she should.  I'm in pain 24/7 and I couldn't understand why she would willingly inflict more pain on herself.
  I have been thinking about going back to school since before I was inflicted with RSD 8 years ago.  Of course my original goal was to get a quick degree like dental assisting so that I could move to NYC that much quicker.  Well, you know the story..  I got RSD and plans change.  I've been thinking about going back to school for awhile.  But, it's hard because I have to factor things into my decision making like: Will I have the stamina to make it through this many classes?  Will my pain be manageable enough to get through all the coursework?  With all these extra variables it became a daunting task  So, I just kept putting it off.
  I've been trying to get a life plan going again.  Trying to find a new career, what school to go to.  I decided that I'm going to go into the field of Social Work.  It is also the field that my friend just graduated in.  Seeing her graduate, knowing everything she had to overcome to get there, gave me the inspiration to go back to school.  Try to start over and make a new life for myself.

Friends

  Friends and friendships are so important when you are going through a rough time. I have always been an introvert, always the shy kid, never spoke up in class.  So making friends was always a challenge for me.  When I first became disabled I had several friends.  Friends from work, friends from my previous workplace, even friends across the country!  Slowly, they started fading from my life.  I only have 2 friends left after all was said and done.
  Then I slowly started making new friends.  Mostly through the Church, a couple were my mom's friends.  I enjoyed spending time with them, although it was different.  I could no longer be gone all day, my stamina was only a few hours at most.  It was fun for awhile, I was going out for outings 2 sometimes 3 times a week.  Then one by one they started to get too busy too.  There was one woman who has hung around and she has been an amazing friend!  Even though she's in her 80's she has way more energy and stamina than I do.
  Then I met a new friend through a new church.  She stayed with us when she broke her femur.  She stayed with us because her family is back east and her apartment was on the second floor.  We became really close.  And now she's done with school.  She got a job offer out of the area and took it.  So, now I have to say good by to another friend.  It is just so hard to keep losing friends.  I have enough loss in my life.  I've lost: my health, my future, my body looking the way I want it to, my ability to function on my own, even my intelligence.  Losing friends is just the final straw.  I feel like I have done something, which in some cases is not the truth but I still can't help feeling insecure.  I just hate all the loss.

Scary Age

  I'm sure many of you out there have watched Sex & The City.  I remember many episodes of this fantastic show but there are a couple that stand out as I go through this journey.
  The first episode is "Agony and the Ex-tacy".  In this episode they talk about getting older and being alone, no soul mates.  I remember watching this episode 11 years ago and thinking how far off 35 sounded.  I remember thinking what my life was going to be like at 35.  I was going to be married and having kids. So, now at 35 and not married with kids I have to reexamine things.  And living in society today it is very hard to be different.  Which brings me to the next episode.
  The second episode is called "Catch-38".  In this episode Carrie has to reevaluate her priorities when she falls in love with the Russian.  She has to decide if she wants a baby or a man.  But it also brings up questions we face: Do we think we want babies and marriages or do we think we should have babies and marriages?  And where is the peer pressure really coming from? Is it external or internal?
  I think that looking at these episodes after veering off the "perfect" path I was gliding down has been really eye opening.  I need to find a new path to go towards.  Maybe it won't look like my original one, but who said life is perfect.  I truly doubt that even if I did remain healthy I would have had my life turn out exactly like I wanted it to.  Why?  Because that is life.  It changes every day.  And I think the hardest thing for me, besides the pain of course, has been letting go of all my past dreams and wishes.  Society is hard to live up to.  It is hard to know where it's peer pressure stops and your own personal pressure begins.  It's indeed a catch-22.

Friends Are Nice

  Today I got to have coffee with a good friend of mine.  We got to catch up about what had been going on in our lives since we last met.  She told me about her trip to Mexico with AMOR housing and showed me pictures of the house she built, along with many other volunteers of course.  AMOR is an organization that builds houses for families in need most of the time in Mexico. http://www.amorblog.org/  I got to tell her about the ins and outs of my life.  Like my dog getting hurt, my blog taking off,and getting some upsetting news from my case worker.  And as we shared and talked we drank our coffee.
  We went to Starbucks because that's our FAVORITE coffee shop!  Before we even got to the front of the line, we figured out we both wanted to try the new drink.  Great minds think alike I guess.  It was a delicious concoction call Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino.  It was so good.  Nothing like a good drink and a good time with a friend to replenish the soul.

Thank You!

  I started this blog because I felt alone in my disability.  I wanted to let others know they aren't alone and the feelings they are feeling are okay.  I thought if I could just reach one person that would be enough.
  But, today I want to say thank you to all of you.  Thank you for giving me the inspiration and motivation to keep blogging.  Thank you for showing me I am reaching people. Thank you for not giving up on me.   Just thank you!  Your support means a lot.  I only hope that I can keep providing you with many more blogs in the future.

The Simple Joys

  Today I FINALLY got my new bed!  I've been using a hospital bed for the past few years and for the past year and a half or so every night as I try to sleep I feel like I'm rolling down a hill.  My bed broke in such a way so that the side that doesn't face the wall slants towards the floor.
  So, I started the many, many, many, many, many, many phone calls to get a new bed.  I had to call the medical company who provided me with the bed, then they had to have someone come out, then they had to run some paperwork through and I should be able to get my bad.  But wait, no one told me after weeks of waiting for the next call that I was supposed to call my DR and get them to fax over a prescription?  I've had the bed for years.  This makes no sense to me at all. After what felt like the longest eternity of just a couple weeks I called again and they told me that it was STILL not ready but they were just going to send it out to me and just continue  battling the paperwork.
  Which now brings me to my happy day!! No more rolling out of bed!  My life has such pain and anger in it that wherever and however I find even one moment of happiness in my life I grab it and hold on tight.  Live for each happy moment.  Even a small happy is a good happy.                          

Today Is A Good Day!

  When I was first diagnosed with RSD I found someone to sit with me as I cried, to lay down beside me all those sleepless nights and to boost my spirits when I was down in the dumps.  I found Riley.  Or maybe he found me.  I'm not really sure about that part.  But he has truly been the most fabulous blessing in my life.
  His former owner trained him to hate men because she lived alone.  My dad had to meet him first since it was quite a distance between our 2 homes.  When he walked into the room Riley was in Riley walked right over to him and jumped up on his hind legs to say hello.  Ever since Riley has had a very close bond with my dad as well as myself.  He follows me everywhere I go, when I leave the house he greets me with a welcome home you would think I had been gone for 2 months not 2 minutes. He never sleeps in his kennel.  He's my baby.
  Well my baby has a lot of health problems too.  He's had a couple seizures, and a few cysts on the skin, some dental problems and some back pain.  Which now I have gotten to the point of my post.  The other day I heard my little dog cry out in pain.  I tried to find the source of the pain and found it was his back that hurt.  Of course I was a wreck.. So I took care of him made sure he didn't do any jumping of any kind.  I waited and watched ( not so patiently ).  And he got better!
  He's jumping again and he ever made it on my own bed!!!!  It's so wonderful  to have my puppy feeling better.  A small joy to some but a great big day of happiness for me!

Will It Ever End?

  Today I feel like throwing myself a pity party.  I mean everyone deserves one every now and then.  I'm just tired of all of it!
  I'm so mad that I have spent the adult half of my life disabled and in pain and alone!  Will I ever meet anyone?  I mean at my age my lifelong dream of having children is over.  But, will I find someone?  Will I ever be functioning again?  Will I have a body that works? A body that looks like I want it to? Not some misshapen lump of ugliness and pain.  Can I ever look at this time and not want to cry and tear my hair out?  All time is now is before RSD and after.  Watching everything around me change and grow and yet I stay the same!  Will I ever meet new friends?  Friends who don't leave when things get hard.
  Okay, so there's my pity party rant.  I do want to say that I have many many good things in my life for which I am truly grateful and appreciative for.  I have a wonderful family, a loyal companion who has truly been instrumental in keeping me sane(my dog), some new friends, good Dr's and God.  I have grown a lot over these years.  But, today I'm just in need of a good rant to the universe.

Pain, Pain, Go Away, Come Again Another Day....

  Sorry it has been so long since I last posted.  Things have been a bit rough.  I'm sure most of you out there can understand and appreciate that.
  I had an appointment last week with a social worker.  And it was a complete disaster!    She said to me that she didn't understand why a strong healthy looking individual needed to be taken care of.  Why is it that people just don't get that RSD is real? It is so hard having a disability that no one can see.  My leg definitely shows signs of RSD but not my abdomen.  The only other outward appearance is the amount of weight I packed on due to medications and inability to move.
 I hate having a disability that's so intense and such a huge ordeal for myself and yet to others it is considered to be fairly unworthy of their time and efforts.  I'm not saying every one, I myself have been blessed with very good doctors.  But, it's just hard sometimes.  Having invisible illnesses is a real challenge for anyone.
  If you have RSD, Chronic Fatigue, Depression, Fibromyalgia, any of these are hard to face because the physical aspect is not there.  You feel as if you are suffering alone.  I know, I've lived through 2 of those.
  But today I say press on.  There are people out there who believe.  There are people who love you!  And with that combination I think anyone can get through it.

8 *#@%ing Years?!

  I recently found out that February 11th is the very day that I had the procedure that caused all my problems.  Someone asked me how I felt knowing this.  And after thinking about it for a few days now I'm afraid I still don't have the answer.   So i thought I would look at my life as if I didn't go to that fateful appointment.
  I would have a degree in dental assisting, it is a fast and easy degree.  I would be living in New York, the city that calls out to my homesick heart.  I would be married to someone wonderful and who devoted.  And kids, I would love to have had kids.  I would have continued on living in a healthy body that worked and would let me work out.  I would have traveled to the 4 corners of the world looking for the answers to the universe.  Hell, maybe I would even have a horse.  So, that's the life I was supposed to have, the life I was heading towards.
   It's so hard to let go of so much.  I don't know if I will ever be able to truly be OK with these dreams not coming true.  I have had so much loss it's hard to even think about happy endings.  Sometimes, with RSD or any chronic illness, you tend to go through waves of good times and bad times.  I seem to be in a real low spot lately. Perhaps after the anniversary things will get better.








I feel sad that it has been so long.  Sad that I have lost so many years of my young adult hood disabled and unable to fulfill my dreams of college, and a family.

Do You Ever Truly Accept?

  So, here I am heading into my 8th year of this trial and right now I'm just filled with sadness.  Sure there has been so many years that I have been angry over this situation but right now I'm just so sad.
  I'm sad because I look at the same walls I have looked at since I was 8 years old.  I'm sad because I don't think the situation will be changing anytime soon.  I'm sad because no matter how hard I try time stops for no one.  I'm sad because I realize now that the dreams I had are just that dreams.
  I know I always sound hopeful at the end, but today I just need to feel sad.

Time Stops For No One

For me I think one of the hardest things ( besides the pain ) is time.  I have had RSD for 8 years now and for me time has stood still since then.  I haven't been able to work, unable to go to school, have much of a social life. But, at the same time the world hasn't stopped for me.  I feel trapped in this little time bubble just watching the world spinning by and as the years go by I swear it feels like the years go by faster.  I see kids that I babysat now have kids of their own, I see my friends having families of their own.  It's so hard to not be bitter sometimes.  I can hope that I will someday soon be a part of the world again.

Things I Hate

Today is not a good day. I hate that my worthless crippled body that doesn't work the way I want it to. I hate my body so much that I have been unable to look into a mirror for the past 8 years. I was a very active person before I developed RSD and it was a crippling blow to suddenly be unable to move much at all.   I hate having to ask people for help with everything.   I hate the fact that my dreams are no longer attainable.  I hate the fact that so many of my friends quietly disappeared from my life.  I hate the pressure that society has pressed onto me, to fit the mold. It's so hard sometimes being alone all day.  That's when the inner demons really come out. 

I get asked all the time "How do you get through such an ordeal?"  Well, as corny as it sounds: one day at a time.  It's too hard to think into the large vast future, when today is hard enough to get through. 

   

I long to be free.  I want to be able to do things on my own again.  I want to be independent not dependent!  I want to look into the future and see that it's one that I want.  I want to find someone.  I want my parents to be proud of me, instead of having to say they have a 35 year old who still has to live at home.  I want to be able to look into the mirror again and not feel disgust.

But, it's just one day at a time......

Today, I will remind myself that I am loved, that I do have friends who care about me, that somehow my life has meaning and purpose, that my parents are as proud of  me and the things I’ve achieved as they are of their other kids, even if they aren’t things the world recognizes. Today, I am trying.  And some days that’s enough.

Dates and Anniversaries

Hello again!  Sorry for the long pause between.  I am looking at my eight year anniversary of RSD this time around.  The last time I had it it took ten years..  So as I look back at these long eight years I am filled with regret, anger and joy.  

The first year of this bout was when I found who my real friends were.  Yet, I was still positive about my disability.  

As the next few years rolled by I started finding myself poked and prodded and  the procedures were endless and unproductive. The RSD spread, up one leg and down the other, then to my abdomen and back.  I found myself sinking further into the abyss.  I started looking at my life as before RSD and after.  When I thought about my life before RSD, I was reminded me of how much I had had going for me and how much I had taken away.  It got to the point that I was so angry and bitter.  

I still am angry.  This was not the life I wanted to have.  Let's face it: nobody wants this life of pain.

 I'm coming to see that it's what you do with the life you have that makes the difference.  I'm 35 and I have not experienced "normal" life at all yet.  And I struggle every day with that.  

But, I am constantly reminding myself that there is so much joy in my life.  I have a home and a family, a dog who follows me everywhere, Dr's who believe me and are committed to helping me.  These truths didn't sink in until I looked for outside help.  I cannot do any of this on my own. And I thank God for being in the trenches with me.