So, here I am in July only a couple weeks away from my Dr visit and I have to say things are going ok. I have lost SOME weight not as much as I wanted, but that's all in good time. I have lost enough that I can fit into some newly discovered jeans that I haven't been able to wear in a long time. I also finally got a pair of Crocs from Amazon that actually fit! Had to send 1 pair back and my pair that I have fits me sometimes depending on how swollen my feet are. And I also got a few new shirts since my washing machine ate a bunch of mine. It was so nice when I was ordering them to see that I was a 3x, when I was convinced that I would be at least a 5x. I ended up getting a 5x just for wiggle room but it was so nice to be on the smaller end of the spectrum for once! I'm hoping that I can impress him with all the progress I've made. The last time I saw him I had begun a diet, but not the exercise program. The walking that I started doing about 2 months after after I last saw him was due in part to the inconsiderate, cynical, unkind words that he spoke to me. I wish that that after almost a year of exercise and eating right I would look better but it took 8 years to get like this so it's going to take a long time to make a dent. It's so hard to just walk into that appointment, or anywhere for that matter, and say this is how I am take me or leave me. But I'm just too wrapped up in my own self loathing to tell anyone anything.
I'd like to say my self esteem was fantastic before all this happened because my body was in awesome shape and I was younger. But the truth is I have always hated myself. It's more internal than the world's media problem. I do feel that they had a part, but mostly it's just me hating myself. I hope that with age comes the wisdom and love that have yet alluded me. That I can be as comfortable within my own skin as my mother, who feels that getting older is cooler, not a death sentence, and that beauty is there inside you all along.