Sunday, January 15, 2012

Things I Hate

Today is not a good day. I hate that my worthless crippled body that doesn't work the way I want it to. I hate my body so much that I have been unable to look into a mirror for the past 8 years. I was a very active person before I developed RSD and it was a crippling blow to suddenly be unable to move much at all.   I hate having to ask people for help with everything.   I hate the fact that my dreams are no longer attainable.  I hate the fact that so many of my friends quietly disappeared from my life.  I hate the pressure that society has pressed onto me, to fit the mold. It's so hard sometimes being alone all day.  That's when the inner demons really come out. 

I get asked all the time "How do you get through such an ordeal?"  Well, as corny as it sounds: one day at a time.  It's too hard to think into the large vast future, when today is hard enough to get through. 
I long to be free.  I want to be able to do things on my own again.  I want to be independent not dependent!  I want to look into the future and see that it's one that I want.  I want to find someone.  I want my parents to be proud of me, instead of having to say they have a 35 year old who still has to live at home.  I want to be able to look into the mirror again and not feel disgust.
But, it's just one day at a time......
Today, I will remind myself that I am loved, that I do have friends who care about me, that somehow my life has meaning and purpose, that my parents are as proud of  me and the things I’ve achieved as they are of their other kids, even if they aren’t things the world recognizes. Today, I am trying.  And some days that’s enough.

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