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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

To Dream An Impossible Dream

    So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life and how I'm living it and why my emotions are all over the place about my sister and her her life.  I look back to 8 years ago when I was on the "right track" of life I was working, going to school had a great social life, even had plans to move to NYC when I was done with school.  I was in great physical shape and filled with resolve to keep it that way.  Then I went to that fateful Dr appointment and everything changed.
   For a long time all I could see was how much I have lost and how much I hate that I have lost it and how perfect my sister's life is.  But I think that maybe why I think some of these things is even though I am 35 years old I still live at home and even though we have made great strides with this arrangement at the end of the day I'm their kid still living in their house.  I look at the same 4 walls every night when I go to sleep that I have looked at since I was 7 years old.  I take a shower in the same bathroom, I look out at the same back yard, and when traffic is low enough I can hear the sounds of the kids playing at the school I went to from kindergarten through 8th grade.  My heart is ready for a new adventure, oh is it ready, but the body sadly the body is not.  
    When my sister moved out it was a kick in the gut.  I was supposed to be doing this, I'm the oldest it's just the way things are done.  But, I was unable.  So, I watched as my sister embarked on what I call the perfect "American" life.  Moved out of the house by a reasonable age ( about 24 ), find your dream job and be good at it, find a guy, move in with him, move away with him out of the area, get engaged, get married by age 28, and a couple years later have a baby!  This is everything that is drilled into our heads at an early age and it's what I have wanted for longer than I can remember. It's hard being around my sister sometimes.  I feel like the baby sister just waiting to know what "real life" is like, what it's like to be married.  I fear that I put my sister up on a pedestal as something unattainable but very much wanted.  I want a real relationship with her.  
    I hope that I can somehow fix these issues.  I think finally figuring out some of these emotions is a start.

Monday, June 25, 2012


    Sorry I didn't get a chance to post these past few days but we had a large oven fire that created all sorts of madness!  Tried to bake some biscuits but the oven was dirty from butter grease from the garlic bread we had when my sister and her husband came for dinner.  And boom opened the oven door and flames are coming out!!  On a total side note I never eat this much bread usually.  So it's just my sister and me at home, she grabs the nearest fire extinguisher which is good because I would have used water ( i also recently learned that water is the WORST thing you could use on a grease fire ) and goes to town on putting the fire out.  The smoke was so thick you could barely see anything, all you could smell was smoke, it was awful.  So we got the dogs outside and worked on clearing out the smoke.  We finally got everything under control but that's when the real work began.
    Apparently fire extinguishers contents are highly corrosive.  So, we ( meaning unfortunately my disabled dad had to take EVERY SINGLE item out of ALL the cupboards clean them and before putting them away must clean out every inch of every cupboard!  It has been a veeeery long few days and I'm not the one even doing all the cleaning.
    About the same time my mom, who has Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, has suffered a relapse.  Which means she is very weak and very tired and cannot handle much outside stimulation.  So, Whenever my dad is busy I have been trying to take care of her the best I can.  Making sure she eats and stays hydrated.  
   With all this extra work my dad's knee is killing him.  I don't know if I will even make it to San Francisco.  I need to figure out what's wrong with my pump and why it's hurting more lately.   So, like I said crazy, crazy, crazy week!!  I hoped things mellow out soon.  

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


    One more post today.  I wanted to make sure that I put this out there for the world to see.  I think that this visit was probably the best I have had with my sister in a long time.  I finally accepted her for who she is not the version I had in my head from what our relationship was like when we were younger.  And I had to let go of the old memories that we had a perfect relationship all those years.  Once I did that we had a wonderful visit!  I think it's finally heading somewhere instead of being in a hold pattern.  So, that was all.  Just wanted to say how nice my visit was with my sister.

Long Time No See And A Lot Of News

    I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to post these last couple days but my sister and her husband were visiting and we tried to spend as many waking hours as we could with them.  We also went to my mom's friend/room mate from college's retirement party.  It was a lot of parties and I'm so glad to be able to just relax and just breathe.  
    We had my sister's baby shower on Friday.  My other sister, myself and my dad all met with my sister and her husband for coffee in the morning to go over what to bring.  When we get there they already have potato salad and my sister looks miserable.  Nobody showed up except for family and everybody wasn't in the best of moods.  The next day we found out that no one had even gotten them a gift!  Poor kids.  
    Then we have my mom's friend's party.  It's out in the middle of nowhere and obviously it's all people that my parents know.  It would be boring, or so I thought. Within only 5, count that 5 minutes, of getting there I had tried to sit in an old lawn chair which my dad assured me my butt would fir into only to have break underneath me!  Yes, I fell on my ass in front of probably 20 people!  The worst part is is that I cannot get up once I'm down on the ground.  So I had to have a bunch of people help me.  It was so mortifying! I got up and went back to the car.  My mom came to check on me, her friend came to check on me, but I was convinced that I was going to stay in the car until we left.  Long story short I went back in eventually.  I'm glad I did because I get a chance to reconnect with my favorite high school teacher.  Turns out she has been neighbors with my mom's friend for years.  It was really nice to get a chance to tell her how much she meant to me.  So, while I started the party, literally, with a bang it ended quite well.  I am however quite sore and stiff.  
    So, now that the fun has ended it's back to getting ready and fit for my Dr appointment in San Francisco next month!  And yes, I promise to write more frequently.  

Thursday, June 14, 2012

It's A Sad Day

    Sorry it's been awhile since I last posted.  Things have been a bit crazy here trying to get the house spic and span for my sister and her husbands visit.  My mom decided that we should finish getting the bathroom redecorated 4 days before before they show up.  So we have got almost all the painting done.  The house is pretty clean, not as good as it could have been since all the bathroom stuff is everywhere while we finish painting.
   And because of the cleaning I'm not getting my walking in.  I'm either cleaning or I'm too damn tired to walk after all the cleaning I did.  It is so very frustrating!!  I'm supposed to be walking every day to lose weight before my appointment next month.  But I'm failing at it and it is making me so depressed and discouraged and angry!  I feel fatter every day and I hate it so much!
    Then my sister comes.  I walk in because I was gone when she first arrived and her husband greeted me, had to tell her to say hello to me.  She didn't have anything to say to me.  I don't begrudge her for it because she was worried about the baby because she couldn't hear the baby's heart beat with my other sister's stethoscope.  But, I could tell that there really was no connection between us.  I had more of a warm caring feeling from her husband like he was glad to see me.  I always thought we were super close through out our childhood and adulthood.  But, my mom pointed out that no we weren't as close as I thought we were.  I was hoping my mom was wrong, but I think she was right.  I am very Norwegian.  I don't like a lot of physical contact, I'm always fine.  But I have always been yearning for a bond with my sister that's incredibly close.  I thought I had that.  I guess not.  It just makes me so sad because I just want to hug her and talk to her but she doesn't want that.  Now that she is here it makes it really hard.
    My dog is at the groomers today.  I know it's pathetic even my own dad told me but I count down the hours until I can see him again.  I miss having him follow me everywhere I go like my little shadow.  I miss him.

Monday, June 11, 2012

I'm Walking!

    I know I haven't posted in a few days but that's because I've been busy with some fun things and some not so fun things.  I always think it should be good news first.  I haven't walked outside of my house in 8 years!  Saturday I made my first attempt and walked to the mailbox.  Sunday I walked even farther when I walked to the corner and not only did I attempt it once but twice!  I even got walking sticks to mark my fantastic accomplishment.
    But we also had to put down our dog too.  And before that was a weekend filled with extra extra special care.  Helping him stand up, helping him get to the yard, getting him water and food any time he needs it.  It was done in love but it was really exhausting.
    So, Today I didn't manage to make it to three times to the corner but I will.  It was a hard day today.  But, I'm looking forward to expanding my walks to greater and greater distances.  It's a whole new experience from all those walks I took 8 years ago.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Strawberries And Dog Food

    Today has been a nice day.  I walked  outside to potty my dog and saw that my strawberries were ripe and that they were in pristine condition.  So I got to have some fresh strawberries with my oatmeal today.  I got my new movies from Netflix.  Who doesn't love seeing Tom Cruise running around trying to play an innocent forest boy in love with the princess in Legend?  I got to be alert enough to work on some knitting for my sisters baby present.  That is such a rarity these days.  I also increased my walking by one loop every other hour.  I got to laugh with my family which also has been a rare thing around the house lately.  We laughed because we tried feeding one dog a certain brand of wet dog food and he wouldn't touch it, then we tried my dog and he didn't touch it and so on through out all 4 dogs!  None of them would touch that crummy stuff!  
    Some days can boost you up, give you confidence and make you forget all your troubles.  Today was that day for me.  Since I'm on such a high at the moment I'm going to say that I hope it will continue on into tomorrow.  

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Can't I Do Something Right?

    Today I feel like I'm trying so hard and every time my ventures come out as inadequate or inconsequential.  I hurt my mom's feelings when I talked to her about taking care of her dog and how I just want to do more for him.  I was trying to be sympathetic, instead I came across as someone telling my mom how bad her dog looks and oh he's so sick and he shouldn't still be alive if he's feeling this way.  Amazing how easily I fumbled that up.
    I'm also feeling like I've let you guys out there down.  I haven't been writing every day and it just eats away at me every day I don't get to write.  I write for me yes, but mostly I write for you.  I write to let people know ALL of those feelings you are feeling are okay.  When I can't write I feel like your voices aren't being heard.  I'm not trying to sound conceited I really am not.  I just want you all to know how special you all are.
    Lastly, I'm already losing momentum on my walking.  Not even a week and I feel like giving up.  Our scale is a bit temperamental and even though my mom says it's perfectly normal for the scale to bounce all over the place numbers wise I'm just having a hard time believing her.  So I'm just going to keep up with my walking and not get on the scale for awhile.
    Hopefully tomorrow I will be in a better mood and will have something incredibly profound to say.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Day In/Day Out

    As I put my dog outside to go potty this morning I thought about how long I've been doing this and how many times I've gazed at our backyard.   No matter however many years go by, no matter how much outside life changes I'm still stuck in the same 4 unending unchanging 4 walls of my childhood home.  I keep doing the same things day in and day out.  I think about 8 years ago.  Would I have had the guts and street smarts to make it in a place on my own.  My sister did twice! I just get so sick and tired of seeing and hearing the same things since I was in grade school.   The laughter of kids playing over the wind from the k-8 school I went to a few blocks away, or the same view of the mountains past our neighbors roof line.  I just long for some new scenery and experiences.  I'm not saying I don't appreciate what I have because I do.  I know how lucky I am to have a home, with family who help take care of me.  But, sometimes..... I wish I had been given the opportunity to have taken a different path.
   As far as the weight loss goes I have lost another 2 pounds!  It won't always be this fast in dropping as time goes on, but for now I'm just riding the excitement wave!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Goals And Sabotage

    So, once again I have failed you guys.  I'm so very sorry for my lapse in posts.  I'm just in a LOT of pain right now and trying to exercise on top of that is just wiping me out.  But, I will try and post every day again.
    I weighed myself today and I have lost another 2 pounds!  Exciting and yet worrisome.  I worry because if I'm losing so much so early that I might start to get too cocky and then sabotage myself somehow.  But, I think my discipline is strong enough to withstand any temptations, no matter what they may be.  
  So, another 2 pounds down, and only a gazillion more to go.  I know that I CAn make it.  In fact I'm shooting for losing enough weight to go down an entire pants side!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Weight Loss Is A Gain!!!

    So day two of my get fit to impress the Dr and to be honest to make me not hate myself so much.  I had started walking a couple days ago before I posted about it here.  Today I went back on the scale. And in just 2 short days I have already lost 2 pounds!!!!  It is amazing what sheer hate can do.  Hate for the Dr and his nasty comments.  Hate of my fat, ugly body.  It has given me the drive to kick start myself back into the walking with a vengeance.  I have also cut back even more on my diet.  I no longer eat anything for lunch except for cottage cheese and fruit.  No more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, no more meat and cheese quesadillas, just the good stuff.  No more yogurt and cottage cheese for breakfast just cottage cheese and plain oatmeal sweetened with agave nectar.  And lots and lots and lots of water! My stomach sloshes around from all the water it's like having my own personal well in my stomach.
    But, with this awesome incentive I shall keep plugging along.  I think I will definitely look like I have lost some weight by the time I see the Dr in 46 days.