First I apologize for my not writing every day I am really sick with a bad head cold and things are a bit intense at home. I also know my posts haven't been exactly been about living with RSD and I'm sorry that I ignored that part of my life in those posts. I will try and be more balanced in my posts.
So, this week my friend moved into her new house in a town about 3 hours away. About 2 weeks before we went online and bought a bunch of rubber ducky items to decorate her bathroom with. And as it started coming in and the date drew nearer I started thinking back to when I first got RSD. I had made these plans to get a quick degree ( dental assistant ) and move to New York City. But, would I have? For all the talk that I was spouting back then I really wasn't that mature. I was still very much a kid. I don't think I was ready.
And then RSD showed up and knocked those dreams out of my head. About a year after I became disabled my middle sister moved out. She was such a shy girl, she wouldn't even call in her medications on an automated machine. But, she moved out. There were a whole bunch of thoughts going through my head. I'm sad to say that the first one wasn't I'm so happy and proud of you for taking such a big step. They were thoughts of: jealousy that she got to take this big step first, that I was the big sister I was supposed to do everything first, and then feelings of total inadequacy. I was happy for her. I am happy for her still.
I look at my friend and my sister who are both younger than me and I just wonder do I have what it takes to strike out on my own? Or will I always be this timid individual with massive feelings of inadequacy? I hope that one day I find out if I have what it takes. But what I really hope is that I get to make it to New York City.