Self-Esteem

   I can't say for certain that I ever had great self-esteem.  What girl can these days?  Society's places so many pressures on women.  That there is only one way to look beautiful, which is impossible for most of the general populace to ever achieve.  That there is only one road after high school which is the norm: college, marriage, family.  These are standards that are drilled into us from a very early age.  When I was growing up I would look at our JcPenny catalogue with my sister.  We would decide what out wedding dress would be, what our honeymoon wardrobe would be, and then we got down to business and started decorating our nurseries.  We were having fun as kids but even as a kid I knew that all I wanted was to be a mom.  I'm not saying that society is pushing motherhood on us.  I'm saying that if you look closely at advertising you will always see the "perfect" family.
   I was watching an episode of Glee and it talked about domestic violence.  The character who was abused said why she didn't leave was she was worried there was going to be no one else to love her.  I'm sad to say that this really hit home for me.  I have lost my physical attractiveness which has been hard, I'm not vain I just miss having a body that worked.  I hate running into classmates and doing the "what have you been up to" question.  I always feel so inferior.  As far as relationships goes I haven't had any.  Been disabled my entire adult life.  I don't know if I will ever find someone.  Hard to do it when you are stuck at home.
  The question is how much of my sad self-esteem issues are of my own making and how much has society influenced me?  Does it matter?  Internal or external pressure it's still pressure and it still is hard.
I know this has been a bit of a depressing post so I'll leave you with this.  I'm not depressed by nature.  Maybe I come across this way sometimes.  If I do it's only because I'm voicing my inner frustrations.