Tuesday, June 26, 2012

To Dream An Impossible Dream

    So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life and how I'm living it and why my emotions are all over the place about my sister and her her life.  I look back to 8 years ago when I was on the "right track" of life I was working, going to school had a great social life, even had plans to move to NYC when I was done with school.  I was in great physical shape and filled with resolve to keep it that way.  Then I went to that fateful Dr appointment and everything changed.
   For a long time all I could see was how much I have lost and how much I hate that I have lost it and how perfect my sister's life is.  But I think that maybe why I think some of these things is even though I am 35 years old I still live at home and even though we have made great strides with this arrangement at the end of the day I'm their kid still living in their house.  I look at the same 4 walls every night when I go to sleep that I have looked at since I was 7 years old.  I take a shower in the same bathroom, I look out at the same back yard, and when traffic is low enough I can hear the sounds of the kids playing at the school I went to from kindergarten through 8th grade.  My heart is ready for a new adventure, oh is it ready, but the body sadly the body is not.  
    When my sister moved out it was a kick in the gut.  I was supposed to be doing this, I'm the oldest it's just the way things are done.  But, I was unable.  So, I watched as my sister embarked on what I call the perfect "American" life.  Moved out of the house by a reasonable age ( about 24 ), find your dream job and be good at it, find a guy, move in with him, move away with him out of the area, get engaged, get married by age 28, and a couple years later have a baby!  This is everything that is drilled into our heads at an early age and it's what I have wanted for longer than I can remember. It's hard being around my sister sometimes.  I feel like the baby sister just waiting to know what "real life" is like, what it's like to be married.  I fear that I put my sister up on a pedestal as something unattainable but very much wanted.  I want a real relationship with her.  
    I hope that I can somehow fix these issues.  I think finally figuring out some of these emotions is a start.

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