Trying To Find Myself In Me

   I never had the greatest love for my body.  I always felt it was too fat even when it wasn't.  It probably started in high school that I realized how much my body didn't look like a stick figure and I hated it.  I wasn't fat, I was on the swim team!  It was all muscle, but it just didn't matter.  Before this happened I was in amazing shape.  I walked all over NYC, through Central Park, along Wall St, up and down alongside those famous locations.  But, still I felt I was fat and ugly.  Which I wasn't.  I always look back and think to myself "What the hell were you thinking?"

   Sometimes when I'm alone in deep thought I ask myself one question "Who are you?"  I mean really who am I in this vast universe? It always psychs me out.  I suddenly feel utterly alone and very insignificant.  It's such a weird question.  But, you can get a always get a deep answer back.  It's also another way for me to ask the universe why the hell I was created.  

   I truly wish I didn't hate myself the way I do.  The vehement passion is of my loathing is indescribable.  I hope to be able to find some love for myself, regardless of whether or not I still have RSD or that I'm heavy.  That's my goal anyways.