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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Memories.....

    I'm sorry I've been incognito lately.  I just had my pain pump filled ( which is hard enough in itself ) but the very next day I got to go to the dentist and get two teeth drilled on.  While getting cavities taken care of for most people is no big deal it is a huge deal for me.  When I was a kid and got cavities taken care of it wasn't a problem.  But after the RSD everything just becomes magnified.  So, I'm really sorry for not writing these past couple days.  I was pretty knocked out from the pain.
    I learned that yet another fast food restaurant place had closed in our area and it made me sad.  Sad because I remembered all the memories I had from this place, memories I had made before I got RSD.  Going for a salad with a good friend after our long walks and driving lessons, grabbing a late night snack with my sister after a late night movie we went to.  And it isn't just this restaurant it's other restaurants that have closed.  Probably the hardest one that closed was the store I worked at right before I got RSD.  It was a beautiful department store and everyone loved me there.  It was so hard to know I will never see the people working there again or the beautiful stained glass domed lights above the store.  I also had to say good bye to my grandparents house this month.  All those memories of Thanksgiving dinners, decorating Christmas trees and making Christmas cookies is now just a memory.
    I know they are just places and time moves on and they do change.  It's hard to let them go when so much has already been lost.  I lost: my ability to walk, to wear shooooes ( what we call fancy shoes ), my good figure, 8 years of my life, and most important my health.  So, when I see things disappear that had a connection to my life from before RSD it makes me feel I guess a little more forgotten.  I know it makes no logical sense at all.  I just feel as the years go by that I'm just standing still and everything and everyone are moving at warp speed all around me.  Having these places where I had memories was a way to say I'm still here and I was a part of your lives.
    These feelings of being forgotten are so hard to fight.  Sometimes I think they are harder to fight than the RSD.  I would rather deal with the physical than the emotional any day.  Physical is easy.  Emotional stuff is hard to deal with.  Especially feelings of self loathing and abandonment.  But as I work through the physical I will work through the emotional too.

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