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Friday, May 11, 2012

Change

   The definition of change is:  to alter, modify, redesign, make or become different, according to the Mac dictionary.  Yet for me the word change feels confrontational and even hostile.  What I hear is "You aren't good enough.  or "I'm not proud of you." I'm sure what people mean are things like: "Here are some ways to help you achieve your goals."
  Change is a hard obstacle to overcome and even harder when you feel that you are alone in it all.  Right now I have to change a couple things.  The big one is I have to stop hating myself.  I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to accomplish that but I am trying.  I also have to try and get serious about weight loss again.  I'm already exercising and eating well, and have lost 50 plus pounds.  But, I need to try and be more aggressive about it.  Maybe wait on that one until after that lovely monthly visit is over. ;-).  
  Looking back at these 8 years I realized I have made many changes.  Some good, some not good.  Some good changes: I'm not as immature as I was at the beginning.  I'm not an angry ball of rage and disappointment anymore.  Some not so good changes:  My body loathing really went up after I gained all the extra weight from not being able to move.  I don't trust people like I used to.
  I guess I look at change as criticism.  Like you are okay but really you could be better.  Maybe, before I try to work on believing that change is just change I should learn to trust first.  Because without the trust everything looks like a giant criticism.

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