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Monday, January 23, 2012

Time Stops For No One

For me I think one of the hardest things ( besides the pain ) is time.  I have had RSD for 8 years now and for me time has stood still since then.  I haven't been able to work, unable to go to school, have much of a social life. But, at the same time the world hasn't stopped for me.  I feel trapped in this little time bubble just watching the world spinning by and as the years go by I swear it feels like the years go by faster.  I see kids that I babysat now have kids of their own, I see my friends having families of their own.  It's so hard to not be bitter sometimes.  I can hope that I will someday soon be a part of the world again.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Things I Hate

Today is not a good day. I hate that my worthless crippled body that doesn't work the way I want it to. I hate my body so much that I have been unable to look into a mirror for the past 8 years. I was a very active person before I developed RSD and it was a crippling blow to suddenly be unable to move much at all.   I hate having to ask people for help with everything.   I hate the fact that my dreams are no longer attainable.  I hate the fact that so many of my friends quietly disappeared from my life.  I hate the pressure that society has pressed onto me, to fit the mold. It's so hard sometimes being alone all day.  That's when the inner demons really come out. 

I get asked all the time "How do you get through such an ordeal?"  Well, as corny as it sounds: one day at a time.  It's too hard to think into the large vast future, when today is hard enough to get through. 
I long to be free.  I want to be able to do things on my own again.  I want to be independent not dependent!  I want to look into the future and see that it's one that I want.  I want to find someone.  I want my parents to be proud of me, instead of having to say they have a 35 year old who still has to live at home.  I want to be able to look into the mirror again and not feel disgust.
But, it's just one day at a time......
Today, I will remind myself that I am loved, that I do have friends who care about me, that somehow my life has meaning and purpose, that my parents are as proud of  me and the things I’ve achieved as they are of their other kids, even if they aren’t things the world recognizes. Today, I am trying.  And some days that’s enough.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Dates and Anniversaries

Hello again!  Sorry for the long pause between.  I am looking at my eight year anniversary of RSD this time around.  The last time I had it it took ten years..  So as I look back at these long eight years I am filled with regret, anger and joy.  

The first year of this bout was when I found who my real friends were.  Yet, I was still positive about my disability.  

As the next few years rolled by I started finding myself poked and prodded and  the procedures were endless and unproductive. The RSD spread, up one leg and down the other, then to my abdomen and back.  I found myself sinking further into the abyss.  I started looking at my life as before RSD and after.  When I thought about my life before RSD, I was reminded me of how much I had had going for me and how much I had taken away.  It got to the point that I was so angry and bitter.  

I still am angry.  This was not the life I wanted to have.  Let's face it: nobody wants this life of pain.

 I'm coming to see that it's what you do with the life you have that makes the difference.  I'm 35 and I have not experienced "normal" life at all yet.  And I struggle every day with that.  

But, I am constantly reminding myself that there is so much joy in my life.  I have a home and a family, a dog who follows me everywhere, Dr's who believe me and are committed to helping me.  These truths didn't sink in until I looked for outside help.  I cannot do any of this on my own. And I thank God for being in the trenches with me.