Tuesday, February 7, 2012

8 *#@%ing Years?!

  I recently found out that February 11th is the very day that I had the procedure that caused all my problems.  Someone asked me how I felt knowing this.  And after thinking about it for a few days now I'm afraid I still don't have the answer.   So i thought I would look at my life as if I didn't go to that fateful appointment.
  I would have a degree in dental assisting, it is a fast and easy degree.  I would be living in New York, the city that calls out to my homesick heart.  I would be married to someone wonderful and who devoted.  And kids, I would love to have had kids.  I would have continued on living in a healthy body that worked and would let me work out.  I would have traveled to the 4 corners of the world looking for the answers to the universe.  Hell, maybe I would even have a horse.  So, that's the life I was supposed to have, the life I was heading towards.
   It's so hard to let go of so much.  I don't know if I will ever be able to truly be OK with these dreams not coming true.  I have had so much loss it's hard to even think about happy endings.  Sometimes, with RSD or any chronic illness, you tend to go through waves of good times and bad times.  I seem to be in a real low spot lately. Perhaps after the anniversary things will get better.

I feel sad that it has been so long.  Sad that I have lost so many years of my young adult hood disabled and unable to fulfill my dreams of college, and a family.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Do You Ever Truly Accept?

  So, here I am heading into my 8th year of this trial and right now I'm just filled with sadness.  Sure there has been so many years that I have been angry over this situation but right now I'm just so sad.
  I'm sad because I look at the same walls I have looked at since I was 8 years old.  I'm sad because I don't think the situation will be changing anytime soon.  I'm sad because no matter how hard I try time stops for no one.  I'm sad because I realize now that the dreams I had are just that dreams.
  I know I always sound hopeful at the end, but today I just need to feel sad.